Post Olympics

Post Olympics

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the
Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her
snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from
personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in
boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like
it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC
president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got
eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that,
before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh
my God, what have I just said?"

----------------

Fancy Dress Party [Joke]

Fancy Dress Party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.

 He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

 Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. 

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

 Dear Sir,

 Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. 

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

 Regards 

William MacDonald

Three Little Pigs [Joke]

Three Little Pigs

Proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.  They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#*k me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

The Deaf Wife Problem [Joke]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

(I just love this)

'For F*$@ sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

Anger Management [Joke]

Anger Management

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.Try saying: I think you could do with more training

 Instead Of:  You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.Try saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.

Instead Of:  She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.Try saying: PerhapsI can work late

Instead Of:  And when the f*** do you expect me to dothis?

4.Try saying: I'mcertain that isn't feasible

Instead Of:  F***off a*se-hole

5.Try saying: Really?

Instead Of:  Well f*** me backwards with a telegraphpole

6.Try saying: Perhapsyou should check with...

Instead Of:  Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.Try saying: I wasn't involved in the project.

Instead Of:  Not my f***ing problem.

8.Try saying: That's interesting.

Instead Of:  What the f***?

9.Try saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.

Instead Of: No f***ing chance, mate.

10.Try saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of:  Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.Try saying: He'snot familiar with the issues

Instead Of:  Hes got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.Try saying: Excuseme, ir?

Instead Of:  Oi, f*** face.

13.Try saying: Ofcourse, I was only going to be at home anyway.

Instead Of:  Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Notes from the edge of life [Joke]

Notes from the Edge of Life

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.

Sincerely,

Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping  through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing aboutthat.

Sincerely,

Logic

Dear Icebergs,

Sorry to hear about the global warming.  Karma's a bitch.

Sincerely,

The Titanic

Dear America,

You produced Miley Cyrus.  Bieber is your punishment.

Sincerely,

Canada

Dear Yahoo,

I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo It..."  Just saying...

Sincerely,

Google

Dear 2010,

So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?  WTF happened?!

Sincerely,

1985

Dear girls who have been dumped,

There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding!

They're all dead.

Sincerely,

BP

Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,

Please make one for every skin color.

Sincerely,

Black people

Dear Customers,

Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.

Sincerely,

Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Ugly People,

You're welcome.

Sincerely,

Alcohol

Dear World,

Please stop freaking out about 2012.  Our calendars end there because  some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?

Sincerely,

The Mayans

Dear iPhone,

Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.  You  piece of shut.

Sincerely,

Every iPhone User

Dear Trash,

At least you get picked up....

Sincerely,

The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,

It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Sincerely,

Elephant

Confessional Box [Joke]

Confessional Box

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

This is priceless [Joke]

This is priceless

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and  handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO  looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's".

Lifeline phone help [Joke]

Lifeline phone help

I was just sacked from my job with LifeLine.

Some guy called Abdul phoned and said, "I'm depressed and lying on the railway track waiting for the train to come".

I said, "Remain calm and stay on the line".

Do you want a joke?

DO YOU WANT A JOKE?
READ THIS ONE


Face Lift

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday.

He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order

taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29"

"I am actually 47" This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.

But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.

If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for

ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and

let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says,

"OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

Men vs Women [Joke]

Men vs. Women

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

STATISTICS.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.